I am having surgery on Friday and somehow that feels like a deadline of sorts to submit a couple of my finished stories. I am going to submit my middle grade novel, as well as a picture book manuscript this week! I’m nervous and excited and that’s how I know it’s a good thing.
So today I am doing some final edits as I read through them one more time. I want to be published, of course, but mostly I know I just have to try. That’s all we can do, right? I’ve had this dream since I was 10, so it’s time to really give it a shot. I’ll keep you posted!
Resting in Belovedness
“May I invite you to drop the old names, come out from under the shame that tries to hinder your intimacy with God and others, and step onto the spacious path. Child of the living God, sing to the living God.”
--Tamara Hill Murphy in The Spacious Path: Practicing the Restful Way of Jesus in a Fragmented World
I wrote a couple months ago about shedding old coping mechanisms to live more intentionally and to walk in truth and today I’m going to write about another. This one has been a longer journey for me, with many iterations. But it ends with a tattoo.
It began recently as it always does: with an awkward encounter with an acquaintance.
In the past, I would have left the encounter and verbally berated myself about how weird and awkward I am, asking myself what was wrong with me. Looking back, I am sad about how cruel I was to myself - knowing that if someone else had said to me what I said to myself, it would be labeled abusive. I am happy to say I am past that, as that was a more obvious affront to God and His good work that is me.
But as I fought that old habit, it morphed into the thought that (and this is embarrassing to admit) “Wait until I lose weight, then they’ll want to be friends with me.” It was a mostly sub-conscious thought, but it somehow gave me (false) hope that someday I’d be better and more deserving of people’s love. As I was slowly convicted of loving myself as God’s image-bearer, I again realized that this was not a healthy thought and began to fight this one as well.
Soon though, the thought turned into the more subtle “well, that was awkward but wait until (fill in the blank) happens” pattern. I had become more comfortable with my weight and physical self, but still wasn’t happy with just being me.
This pattern took me a while to suss out. I had shed the verbally abusive comments, the negative thoughts about my weight, but I still put my hope it a false idea that someday people would love me for my accomplishments. I was idolizing some false ideal to help with the pain and fear of just offering my true self, take it or leave it. But the Holy Spirit is faithful and even revealed this one to me after a while, and I believe it was to bring me right here, to this moment.
After the aforementioned awkward encounter the other day, I started mentally going through different ways I could prove to this person that I wasn’t actually a weird person. I can be fun! I am a good friend! I give good gifts! (Yes, these are literally the thoughts that ran through my head…) I thought of texts I could send or offers of favors I could make. When suddenly it hit me: I am already beloved. I don’t have to prove myself to people. They can just accept me for who I am: broken, fragile me. Because the good news is that I am already beloved.
I am already beloved!
It has taken me a long time to see what a restful truth this is. I can stop my striving to prove myself and rest in my belovedness. Because the truth is, I am a good friend. I can be fun. I do give good gifts! I am a good and beautiful Creation of the God of the universe. And most importantly, I was loved by Him even before I came to be.
I absolutely love this quote from Tamara Hill Murphy in her book The Spacious Path: Practicing the Restful Way of Jesus in a Fragmented World:
Our parents name us at birth, and God gives us our forever name at the second birth of baptism. In baptism, we step into the water of death with Jesus and are raised with him, the beloved. Because belovedness begins in God, we do not name ourselves beloved; instead, we receive the name—the reality of ourselves, fully seen and loved by God—as a gift. We accept beloved as our name, and we accept ourselves as being loved. Our temptation is to live as if we are beloved without letting the truth sink down into the true state of our souls. We may believe God loves us, but we haven’t allowed that love to help us discover the truth about ourselves. Any rest we feel that doesn’t help us discover the truth about ourselves is a false rest.
And oh! The rest and freedom that comes in truly believing that I am beloved. No more coping mechanisms after awkward encounters. Instead, I will snuggle into the truth of my belovedness. I’m so grateful that God calls me his beloved. And I’m grateful that my parents gave me the name that means beloved.
And that’s why I got a tattoo, to always remind myself of that truth and find rest.
Announcing "The Enchanted Grove"!
I am so excited to announce the publication of my first coloring book! As you probably already know, I love to make coloring pages as a restful hobby. It began for me in early 2020, during the first lockdown days of the pandemic. I realized that making art felt too overwhelming, but I still needed a creative outlet. That’s when I first posted this hedgehog coloring page. Something about the simple black lines felt soothing to me, so I kept going. I was soon putting coloring pages like this one in our church’s Easter book and doing customized pages like this one.
Since then, every month, I’ve posted a few more, including some activity pages. Finally, earlier this year, I took a class on how to publish your own coloring book. In my excitement, I was tempted to rush its completion, but I tried to take my time so I could be proud of every page, and especially the cover.
If you do color any of the pages (either by purchasing a copy here or by downloading some of the sample pages I’ve posted), please share your versions with me. One of my surprising joys in creating these coloring pages is seeing how other people use color to make them unique and beautiful.
Two things I refuse to do anymore
Wish away the time (or “push through”)
Try to “get ahead”
I’m going to be honest and say this is a rushed blog post because I wanted to have something to post for the month of August! But what with vacation, back to school, and being sick, among other things, I haven’t sat down to write at all the entire month. But I have been pondering those two points for a while now, as I try to embrace a more restful lifestyle, even in the chaos of life, and had written those two points down a few months ago.
First of all, for many years, I would whisper to myself “just push through to bedtime” or “once this week is over, everything will be better”, but recently I realized I’ve been saying those things for nearly 40 years! So obviously these are lies I tell myself to get through a hard thing or week and something needed to change. I have been working on this because it’s a pretty big mental shift but I refuse to wish away the time anymore. It goes too quickly on its own!
I just finished Anthony Bloom’s Beginning to Pray and these are some of my favorite quotes from the chapter “Managing Time”:
“The moment I began to feel ‘I must be quick”, I would sit back and engage in small talk for a few minutes just to prevent myself from hurrying…
“Learn to master time, and you will be able - whatever you do, whatever the stress, in the storm, in tragedy, or simply in the confusion in which we continuously live - to be still, immobile in the present, face to face with the Lord, in silence or in words.”
He argues that we should practice sitting still and doing nothing for five minutes, gradually increasing that time the better we get at it (it makes sense that we should have to practice this, given that we are naturally very “busy” creatures!). So I figure that if I need to take a break for 5-10 minutes to gain some perspective, take some deep breaths, whisper some prayers, or write some laments or gratitudes, then that is worth stopping and doing in order to stop wishing away the moment.
My second point, “trying to get ahead”, is related to the first. This is another lie I’ve told myself for a long time! You know the one: if I just do this thing now, I won’t have to do it tomorrow and I’ll get ahead (I suppose the goal of this is so maybe we can gain some rest tomorrow? Which never happens!)*. I realized this one Sunday night when I threw in a load of laundry to “get ahead” for Monday. It hit me that there would always be laundry. It’s laughable to think there’s a “getting ahead” with laundry! So I should just rest now, when I’m supposed to be practicing Sabbath rest anyway!
And isn’t this true with so many other things in life? The work will always be there. The idea of “getting ahead” is almost universally a lie (I suppose we can all come up with exceptions) that I don’t want to buy into anymore. I need to rest when I can, which is probably still less than I need.
So these are two things I am working on not doing anymore. Does anyone want to join me?
*Weirdly, I also do the opposite. The famous procrastinator phrase “Why do today what you can push off until tomorrow?” also applies. What can I say? People are complicated.
Selah Residency #1
Pictured: Feelings cards from Elise; St. Benedict quote from Tamara Murphy that goes with her new book “The Spacious Path”; prayer cards by W. David O. Taylor.
It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything, but I’m learning that’s #momlife in summer! Most things have been good, but some have been hard and sad. But before any more time goes by, I wanted to post a short update about my first residency with Selah.
Selah is a program designed to train Spiritual Directors. There is a lot of reading, contemplation, retreat, practicing Spiritual Direction, and there are 5 in-person residencies total. This post is about my first residency. Much of what I took away I am still processing and will leave between me and God and a few close friends. But some of the gifts of the weekend, I would like to share here more publicly.
The weekend started very hard for me, a shy introvert unused to big groups of strangers! I felt unloved, unknown, and unwanted, if I’m completely honest. Those feelings were very familiar to me once upon a time, but not recently, so it was upsetting to have them come back. This is why I started journaling gifts. It felt important to notice them.
Gifts
I forgot my phone charger. This doesn’t sound like a gift, and I would not have said so at first! In fact, in all honesty, I panicked a little. Not even just at the thought of not having my phone, but the thought of even asking someone for a charger felt overwhelming to me. I did get to the point, though, that I realized this was actually a gift. I was able to be fully present without any social media or other distractions on my phone.
I shared, through tears, my true feelings. Again, doesn’t sound like a gift! But in speaking those feelings out loud, to a woman that I immediately trusted, took away their power. I was able to put voice to the fact that I believed God to be inviting me to deeper levels of healing.
I loved my peer group. We separated into smaller groups and I loved all the people in mine. It felt easier to open up in a smaller setting, and easier to make connections.
Someone had an extra phone charger. Somehow the first person I shared with about my phone had brought an extra charger and she gave it to me on the last day. She offered to just let me have it, but I returned it to her, thinking I’d be home the next day. (When my flight was cancelled, I really wished I had kept it!)
We had a story time with a picture book. What a gift to be ministered to with a medium that I love so much! How often have I said that adults should be reading children’s fiction? And that they can teach us so much?!
The picture book was about a bunny. This felt like a gift just for me! I’m not sure if anyone else in that room had sat with a bunny and snuggled, but for me it is almost a sacred experience. To hold a bunny is to quiet your body and be silent, which is such a perfect picture of Spiritual Direction.
Walking the labyrinth in community. I’m not sure I can put words to this one, but it was a highlight of my time there. We all walked into the labyrinth unsure and thinking it was a little weird, but most people left in tears. There was something about everyone being on the same path, just different places, but with the same goal. And sometimes we would be close to the center and sometimes we would be farther from the center, even though we were further along the path. During some of the hard things these past few weeks, as I have battled old demons, I have thought of this image, telling myself that I am further along the path, but maybe just not so close to the center right now. I know that God is inviting me to deeper levels of healing and intimacy with Him.
Spending 8 hours in the airport with T. What could have been a long afternoon by myself was made much more pleasant with a new friend from Selah who was also waiting on her flight. We spent 8 hours getting to know each other and it really was a joy. I’m so thankful I could end my time by processing, debriefing, and just getting to know her!
Reynie
We just adopted the most adorable Dwarf Netherland bunny. I should say that technically he was a gift to our daughter for her 10th birthday, but he has quickly made his way into all of our hearts. After much thought, she decided to name him Reynie, after the main character in a great series of middle grade novels! It also suits his gray color. So here are a few illustrations/sketches that I’ve been playing around with of bunnies, as well as a nature scene that I dropped a bunny into (and a real picture for reference)!
Artwork Update
I have not been posting much because I have completely lost control of my summer schedule. You know how in the beginning of summer you put together a “Summer Bucket List” and a daily schedule and you have such high hopes because this summer is going to be different? Well it’s only July 9 and I have given up on the daily schedule or getting any of my own work done!
But just because I haven’t been posting or illustrating (either for my upcoming book or for Instagram), doesn’t mean I haven’t been art-ing. First of all, I have been taking an art journaling course with my friend Farrell called “Take Heart”. I highly recommend this course! It has been so fun to just completely let loose and be free of expectations in my art! And it is geared towards anyone - you do not have to have any prior artistic knowledge (or be local, as the lessons are on YouTube and the meetings are over Zoom).
I’ve also been playing around with different digital art, as seen in the gallery below. I love to support other artists and one of them creates beautiful brushes for Procreate (the app I use for most of my illustrations). Her brushes are the ones I used for these, and I just love how they turned out. I will be adding all of these to my shop on Society6.
So that’s my summer so far! What about you? Have you lost control of your summer, too?
Some Fairy Sketches
A few weeks ago, I introduced you to my newest character: a fairy named Lucy. While I’m not ready to show you any of my actual finished illustrations of her yet, I thought it might be interesting to see some of the sketches that got me to my final product. Do you have a favorite?
Book Update and Illustrating Scenes
Friends, I am so excited to say that I am close to being done with my next children’s book! But I am also very nervous, because that means I actually have to start sending it out for other people to read, and even worse… critique. In the next couple weeks, I will share a few sketches and maybe even some complete illustrations that I will be submitting along with the manuscript. So keep checking back here!
For now I’ll say this: the story is about a fairy named Lucy. I’ve gone back and forth with the idea of a fairy as my main character. Have fairies been overdone? Is this too much like Tinkerbell? But there is just something so appealing to me about fairies, and this character in particular being a fairy, that I just couldn’t have her be anything else. I hope that when you read the book, you’ll agree with me that she couldn’t have been anything else.
And now I will leave you with a few scenes that I have illustrated, mostly for practice in drawing full-page spreads. Thank you for joining me on this journey!
I'm trying to be brave.
Today I did something brave. It’s probably not going to sound brave to a lot of you, but if you know me, then you know it was brave. I took a step out of my comfort zone and signed up for the Society for Children’s Book Writers and Illustrators (SCBWI) New England Conference! I have decided to make this children’s book writing real and really make a go of it. Then I was super inspired, so I sat down and wrote three more children’s books that I actually really love and am excited about. I don’t want to say too much about them yet, but over the next few weeks and months, I plan to share snippets of the books and sketches for the illustrations. So I hope you’ll join me on this journey!
But it got me thinking back to being brave and things that scare us. In this case, sitting down and writing those stories had been on my heart for a while, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. When I examined the why of this, I realized it was fear. I was too scared to sit down and work on something I cared so much about for fear of failure, for fear of rejection, for fear of not being good enough. So I asked myself that age old question: what is the worst that could happen? I answered with all the usual replies: I might never be traditionally published. I could be rejected over and over again. I might not be good enough.
But those actually weren’t the worst that could happen. The worst thing that could happen would be that I never sat down to do something that I loved.
I am reminding myself over and over again that what really matters is the work: the doing, the practicing, the writing, the drawing. I love these stories. I love to illustrate. The real tragedy would be to never finish these stories, or worse, to never work on them at all. Yes, I want to get them published and it may take some rejection and feeling like I’m not good enough - and those are real fears! But at least I will have finished.
These are a few of my recent character illustrations,
done after taking an art class on drawing full figures (instead of just faces).
The story behind the story of Sheldon
I am in the final stages of writing, illustrating, editing, and publishing my next children’s book. It is a long process, especially when it’s more of a hobby than a full-time job! But I am very excited about it and I hope you will take some time to read it when it is finally available.
Before it comes out, however, I want to tell you a little bit about how it came to be and what it is about.
It is the story of a hermit crab named Sheldon, who yearns for adventure, but instead lives in a glass tank in a pet shop. The idea for this story actually belongs to my Aunt Sue. She originally wrote a little story about Sheldon based on the true events. One summer, my cousin’s son bought two hermit crabs and one of the crabs got loose in their home. We all thought that crab was a goner! But sure enough, a few days later, he found the crab wedged up under the edge of the dog’s water bowl. And he was still alive! We all rejoiced that Sheldon had been found!
A couple years later, I found the little story she had written amidst a crisis going on with that same aunt: her beloved bird, Claude, had escaped out the front door and he was never seen again. This was when I asked her if I could adapt her “Sheldon” story into a children’s book. Somehow the two events seemed linked and resonated in my heart. It wasn’t until adapting the story a bit later did I realize why.
These were two stories of beloved creatures, one lost forever, and one found with much rejoicing. And isn’t that the story of us? Our good Father in heaven looks at us, his beloved creatures, and longs to be with us. And we, in our human nature, run from him. He longs to care for us, to provide for us, but we think we know better. We think his freedom costs too much. We fly out the front door thinking we are flying to freedom, but actually find death. But God is full of compassion, and if we turn back to Him, there is “rejoicing in heaven”. (Luke 15:7)
In adapting this story for a children’s book, I tried to match some elements with parables Jesus tells us in Luke 15. I would encourage you to read that passage with your children before or after reading my story about Sheldon and talk about similarities and differences. I hope this will open up a conversation about God’s unending love of us and his pursuit of us as a good Father.
Finally, thank you to Sue Burke for giving me permission to adapt her story. To Will Heckathorne for being a good father to little Sheldon the crab. And thank you in advance for picking up a copy when it is available.
Reading, Watching, Doing, Learning - January Edition
This post begins a series of monthly posts to both fulfill my resolution of posting monthly, as well as serving as a writing exercise.
What I’m Reading:
Crossroads of Twilight, Wheel of Time, book 10 (Robert Jordan)
This is an epic fantasy series of 14 books, each about 1000 pages. But this book has been a low point and I’ve been “in the middle of it” for almost a year. I love this series and am totally invested in finishing it at this point, though!Come Rain or Come Shine, Mitford series, book 13 (Jan Karon)
I’ll be honest, at this point in the series, I am listening on Audible and let myself fall asleep to it every night. I don’t miss much in this slow-moving book, but it’s sweet enough to make me think happy thoughts as I drift off to dreamland!The Songs of Jesus (Tim Keller)
The devotional I’m currently using. Very brief devotions based on a few verses in the Psalms. I wish each one were more in depth, but conversely, I picked it because they are short enough for me to actually get done every day!
What I’m Watching:
Monk, Amazon Prime
I’m embarrassed to admit this is not my first time re-watching the series. But it’s like comfort food to me, and I can work/crochet/fold laundry while it’s on in the background.The Crown, season 2, Netflix
This is a show that I can watch with Ryan. He likes the history. I like the clothes. Win-win.Superstore, season 2, Hulu
Another show to watch with Ryan. Usually he doesn’t like sitcoms (and they are my bread and butter) but at this one, we both literally LOL.
What I’m Doing:
Crochet hearts
It’s that time of year when I’m winding down with the hats and looking for other crochet projects. Tiny crochet hearts take so little time to make and I just love to put them everywhere!Kids’ birthday gifts
I usually try to include a handmade item for my children’s birthdays, and since their birthdays are only two weeks apart, this keeps me pretty busy in January. I am finishing a train flannel blanket for my 3yo son, and a My Little Pony pillow for my 6yo daughter.
What I’m Learning:
We are all broken, even if we think we have it all together. Sometimes I am horrified and embarrassed by my brokenness. Sometimes I’m proud of myself because I think I have it all together. But really I should be embarrassed when I think I have it all together, because it’s much better when I remember I’m broken. Being broken is beautiful: it’s when God can really shine through.
I wish I could put what I’m learning into a simple bullet point that completely defines exactly what I’m thinking, but really it’s more of an amorphous blur of thoughts that keep changing. I guess that’s why I’m doing this exercise.
Goals for the month:
Finish 3 more books.
Finish editing my next children’s story.
Poetry Practice:
So begins, in cold
winter, a year of goals to
blossom and bear fruit.