In my training to become a spiritual director, we were tasked with coming up with a brochure of sorts about our spiritual direction practice. I thought I’d post mine here, in case anyone would like more information about it!
Resting in Belovedness
“May I invite you to drop the old names, come out from under the shame that tries to hinder your intimacy with God and others, and step onto the spacious path. Child of the living God, sing to the living God.”
--Tamara Hill Murphy in The Spacious Path: Practicing the Restful Way of Jesus in a Fragmented World
I wrote a couple months ago about shedding old coping mechanisms to live more intentionally and to walk in truth and today I’m going to write about another. This one has been a longer journey for me, with many iterations. But it ends with a tattoo.
It began recently as it always does: with an awkward encounter with an acquaintance.
In the past, I would have left the encounter and verbally berated myself about how weird and awkward I am, asking myself what was wrong with me. Looking back, I am sad about how cruel I was to myself - knowing that if someone else had said to me what I said to myself, it would be labeled abusive. I am happy to say I am past that, as that was a more obvious affront to God and His good work that is me.
But as I fought that old habit, it morphed into the thought that (and this is embarrassing to admit) “Wait until I lose weight, then they’ll want to be friends with me.” It was a mostly sub-conscious thought, but it somehow gave me (false) hope that someday I’d be better and more deserving of people’s love. As I was slowly convicted of loving myself as God’s image-bearer, I again realized that this was not a healthy thought and began to fight this one as well.
Soon though, the thought turned into the more subtle “well, that was awkward but wait until (fill in the blank) happens” pattern. I had become more comfortable with my weight and physical self, but still wasn’t happy with just being me.
This pattern took me a while to suss out. I had shed the verbally abusive comments, the negative thoughts about my weight, but I still put my hope it a false idea that someday people would love me for my accomplishments. I was idolizing some false ideal to help with the pain and fear of just offering my true self, take it or leave it. But the Holy Spirit is faithful and even revealed this one to me after a while, and I believe it was to bring me right here, to this moment.
After the aforementioned awkward encounter the other day, I started mentally going through different ways I could prove to this person that I wasn’t actually a weird person. I can be fun! I am a good friend! I give good gifts! (Yes, these are literally the thoughts that ran through my head…) I thought of texts I could send or offers of favors I could make. When suddenly it hit me: I am already beloved. I don’t have to prove myself to people. They can just accept me for who I am: broken, fragile me. Because the good news is that I am already beloved.
I am already beloved!
It has taken me a long time to see what a restful truth this is. I can stop my striving to prove myself and rest in my belovedness. Because the truth is, I am a good friend. I can be fun. I do give good gifts! I am a good and beautiful Creation of the God of the universe. And most importantly, I was loved by Him even before I came to be.
I absolutely love this quote from Tamara Hill Murphy in her book The Spacious Path: Practicing the Restful Way of Jesus in a Fragmented World:
Our parents name us at birth, and God gives us our forever name at the second birth of baptism. In baptism, we step into the water of death with Jesus and are raised with him, the beloved. Because belovedness begins in God, we do not name ourselves beloved; instead, we receive the name—the reality of ourselves, fully seen and loved by God—as a gift. We accept beloved as our name, and we accept ourselves as being loved. Our temptation is to live as if we are beloved without letting the truth sink down into the true state of our souls. We may believe God loves us, but we haven’t allowed that love to help us discover the truth about ourselves. Any rest we feel that doesn’t help us discover the truth about ourselves is a false rest.
And oh! The rest and freedom that comes in truly believing that I am beloved. No more coping mechanisms after awkward encounters. Instead, I will snuggle into the truth of my belovedness. I’m so grateful that God calls me his beloved. And I’m grateful that my parents gave me the name that means beloved.
And that’s why I got a tattoo, to always remind myself of that truth and find rest.
My Newbery Journey
Well, I can’t get around it: my heart belongs to the middle grade novel. I remember when I started writing, my dream (perhaps every writer’s dream?) was to write “The Great, American Novel”. I had about 50 pages written and it just wasn’t coming out the way I wanted when suddenly it clicked: this book wanted to be a middle grade novel. I love reading them and think they have so much worth and value (and too often dismissed as “just for kids”). So why did I think I should write anything else? (Sadly, that book has since been left unfinished, though I did write another middle grade novel earlier this year! More on that another day.)
Once I realized that I wanted to write middle grade novels (as well as picture books), I thought I should read the best of the best. This led me to the Newbery Award.
The great thing about these books is that you can safely recommend them to your preteen kids and know they are getting some clean and quality literature. So even though I am only commenting on a few of the books listed below, please know that any of these would be a great option for your kids! (And if you ever have questions about a middle grade book, I am happy to discuss it with you!)
The Newbery Award (or Honor) books I’ve read so far:
The Last Cuentista by Donna Barba Higuera
(a somewhat creepy sci-fi)
When you Trap a Tiger by Tae Keller
(not my favorite)
New Kid by Jerry Craft
(already recommended here!)
Merci Suárez Changes Gears by Meg Medina
Hello, Universe by Erin Entrada Kelly
The Girl who Drank the Moon by Kelly Barnhill
(one of my favorites! will probably purchase and recommend in a separate post)
(also, I know you’re not supposed to judge a book by its cover, but look how pretty that cover is!)
Last Stop on Market Street by Matt de la Peña
(a picture book - unusual for the Newbery! - already recommended here!)
The Crossover by Kwame Alexander
(I did not expect to love this one as much as I did, given it’s about basketball and completely written in verse, but I did and I highly recommend.)
Flora & Ulysses: The Illuminated Adventures by Kate DiCamillo
The One and Only Ivan by Katherine Applegate
Dead End in Norvelt by Jack Gantos
(a little boring, though I learned some interesting history)
Moon Over Manifest by Clare Vanderpool
(excellent story and a bit of a mystery)
Al Capone Does my Shirts by Gennifer Choldenko
(another of my favorites. this is part of a series of which I intend to read more!)
The Watson’s Go to Birmingham: 1963 by Christopher Paul Curtis
(I would recommend this as a way to open up dialog about racial violence)
I just became an Amazon Associate, because I link to books so often on my blog! As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases, so if you want the book and to support me, use my links in this blog post. Thank you!! ❤️
Announcing "The Enchanted Grove"!
I am so excited to announce the publication of my first coloring book! As you probably already know, I love to make coloring pages as a restful hobby. It began for me in early 2020, during the first lockdown days of the pandemic. I realized that making art felt too overwhelming, but I still needed a creative outlet. That’s when I first posted this hedgehog coloring page. Something about the simple black lines felt soothing to me, so I kept going. I was soon putting coloring pages like this one in our church’s Easter book and doing customized pages like this one.
Since then, every month, I’ve posted a few more, including some activity pages. Finally, earlier this year, I took a class on how to publish your own coloring book. In my excitement, I was tempted to rush its completion, but I tried to take my time so I could be proud of every page, and especially the cover.
If you do color any of the pages (either by purchasing a copy here or by downloading some of the sample pages I’ve posted), please share your versions with me. One of my surprising joys in creating these coloring pages is seeing how other people use color to make them unique and beautiful.
Book Recommendation: Ranger's Apprentice
I have decided to start recommending mostly middle grade books, as that is typically what I read now for fun and seems to be where parents need the most guidance. I get asked a lot for reading recommendations for preteen and young teens, so follow along in my book recommendations if you are looking something for your kids to enjoy (without having to read them first!).* I also just love middle grade books because they are always clean and a quick, easy read, but they deal with hard things and often have very interesting plots and characters.
The Ranger’s Apprentice: The Ruins of Gorlan by John Flanagan is the start of an excellent fantasy series about a boy who joins a highly secretive group of people known as the Rangers. The books are exciting, with good characters and plots. The Rangers themselves aren’t magical, just highly trained and skilled fighters and problem solvers, though they live in a world with magic. And I will admit that I have loved this series even before I thought about sharing them with my kids! My daughter never wanted to read them, because the main character is a boy… but now my 9-year-old son is excited to get into the series! I have promised to read the first one to him (this is mostly selfish, as I want to reread them, and I think my daughter will secretly listen in as well), but I think he’ll take off reading them on his own once he gets into them!
From Amazon:
They have always scared him in the past—the Rangers, with their dark cloaks and shadowy ways. The villagers believe the Rangers practice magic that makes them invisible to ordinary people. And now 15-year-old Will, always small for his age, has been chosen as a Ranger's apprentice. What he doesn't yet realize is that the Rangers are the protectors of the kingdom. Highly trained in the skills of battle and surveillance, they fight the battles before the battles reach the people. And as Will is about to learn, there is a large battle brewing. The exiled Morgarath, Lord of the Mountains of Rain and Night, is gathering his forces for an attack on the kingdom. This time, he will not be denied. . . .
*I love giving out book recommendations for kids if you ever would like to contact me about it! I am happy to tell you if there is ever anything you might find questionable, as well.
I just became an Amazon Associate, because I link to books so often on my blog! As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases, so if you want the book and to support me, use my links in this blog post. Thank you!! ❤️
Two things I refuse to do anymore
Wish away the time (or “push through”)
Try to “get ahead”
I’m going to be honest and say this is a rushed blog post because I wanted to have something to post for the month of August! But what with vacation, back to school, and being sick, among other things, I haven’t sat down to write at all the entire month. But I have been pondering those two points for a while now, as I try to embrace a more restful lifestyle, even in the chaos of life, and had written those two points down a few months ago.
First of all, for many years, I would whisper to myself “just push through to bedtime” or “once this week is over, everything will be better”, but recently I realized I’ve been saying those things for nearly 40 years! So obviously these are lies I tell myself to get through a hard thing or week and something needed to change. I have been working on this because it’s a pretty big mental shift but I refuse to wish away the time anymore. It goes too quickly on its own!
I just finished Anthony Bloom’s Beginning to Pray and these are some of my favorite quotes from the chapter “Managing Time”:
“The moment I began to feel ‘I must be quick”, I would sit back and engage in small talk for a few minutes just to prevent myself from hurrying…
“Learn to master time, and you will be able - whatever you do, whatever the stress, in the storm, in tragedy, or simply in the confusion in which we continuously live - to be still, immobile in the present, face to face with the Lord, in silence or in words.”
He argues that we should practice sitting still and doing nothing for five minutes, gradually increasing that time the better we get at it (it makes sense that we should have to practice this, given that we are naturally very “busy” creatures!). So I figure that if I need to take a break for 5-10 minutes to gain some perspective, take some deep breaths, whisper some prayers, or write some laments or gratitudes, then that is worth stopping and doing in order to stop wishing away the moment.
My second point, “trying to get ahead”, is related to the first. This is another lie I’ve told myself for a long time! You know the one: if I just do this thing now, I won’t have to do it tomorrow and I’ll get ahead (I suppose the goal of this is so maybe we can gain some rest tomorrow? Which never happens!)*. I realized this one Sunday night when I threw in a load of laundry to “get ahead” for Monday. It hit me that there would always be laundry. It’s laughable to think there’s a “getting ahead” with laundry! So I should just rest now, when I’m supposed to be practicing Sabbath rest anyway!
And isn’t this true with so many other things in life? The work will always be there. The idea of “getting ahead” is almost universally a lie (I suppose we can all come up with exceptions) that I don’t want to buy into anymore. I need to rest when I can, which is probably still less than I need.
So these are two things I am working on not doing anymore. Does anyone want to join me?
*Weirdly, I also do the opposite. The famous procrastinator phrase “Why do today what you can push off until tomorrow?” also applies. What can I say? People are complicated.
What's on the Book Pile? Selah Edition
I’ve had many people ask what types of books that I’ve been reading for Selah, so I thought I’d share my Selah book pile today! I have not actually finished most of the books on the list, as we read by subject over the course of the two-year certificate program. But I will add any notes or recommendations where I can!
Spiritual Disciplines Handbook: Practices That Transform Us - I highly recommend this book for anyone who wants to grow in intimacy with God. It is basically just a list of all different Spiritual Disciplines, with explanations of how to do them (spiritual direction being one of many)! I find it fascinating and have kept it on hand ever since I read through the introduction.
The Essential Writings of Christian Mysticism - I have only read the introduction to this so far, but I’m excited to keep going with it!
The Deeply Formed Life: Five Transformative Values to Root Us in the Way of Jesus - Another one that I highly recommend for anyone who calls themselves a Christian. I have followed this author/pastor on Instagram for several years and find him to be very insightful.
Holy Listening: The Art of Spiritual Direction - I finished this book and chapter one was absolutely my favorite, though the whole book was helpful in defining spiritual direction for me.
Holy Invitations: Exploring Spiritual Direction - This is the book that I found most helpful in explaining what exactly spiritual direction is! If you are confused about the topic, you might find this one helpful.
The Deeper Journey: The Spirituality of Discovering Your True Self - This is another where I have only read chapter one, but already am anxious to continue.
Care of Mind/Care of Spirit: A Psychiatrist Explores Spiritual Direction - This one I found very scientific. If that is how your mind works, this might be a good read for you in examining spiritual direction.
The Critical Journey, Stages in the Life of Faith - I have only read the introduction to this one so far, but it was very interesting and I’m looking forward to reading more!
Beginning to Pray - I have only just started this one, but find it very thought-provoking as a way to deepen my prayer life.
Not Pictured, but read and highly recommend:
Be the Bridge: Pursuing God's Heart for Racial Reconciliation
Article by Steve L. Porter “Sanctification in a New Key: Relieving Evangelical Anxieties Over Spiritual Formation”
Selah Residency #1
Pictured: Feelings cards from Elise; St. Benedict quote from Tamara Murphy that goes with her new book “The Spacious Path”; prayer cards by W. David O. Taylor.
It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything, but I’m learning that’s #momlife in summer! Most things have been good, but some have been hard and sad. But before any more time goes by, I wanted to post a short update about my first residency with Selah.
Selah is a program designed to train Spiritual Directors. There is a lot of reading, contemplation, retreat, practicing Spiritual Direction, and there are 5 in-person residencies total. This post is about my first residency. Much of what I took away I am still processing and will leave between me and God and a few close friends. But some of the gifts of the weekend, I would like to share here more publicly.
The weekend started very hard for me, a shy introvert unused to big groups of strangers! I felt unloved, unknown, and unwanted, if I’m completely honest. Those feelings were very familiar to me once upon a time, but not recently, so it was upsetting to have them come back. This is why I started journaling gifts. It felt important to notice them.
Gifts
I forgot my phone charger. This doesn’t sound like a gift, and I would not have said so at first! In fact, in all honesty, I panicked a little. Not even just at the thought of not having my phone, but the thought of even asking someone for a charger felt overwhelming to me. I did get to the point, though, that I realized this was actually a gift. I was able to be fully present without any social media or other distractions on my phone.
I shared, through tears, my true feelings. Again, doesn’t sound like a gift! But in speaking those feelings out loud, to a woman that I immediately trusted, took away their power. I was able to put voice to the fact that I believed God to be inviting me to deeper levels of healing.
I loved my peer group. We separated into smaller groups and I loved all the people in mine. It felt easier to open up in a smaller setting, and easier to make connections.
Someone had an extra phone charger. Somehow the first person I shared with about my phone had brought an extra charger and she gave it to me on the last day. She offered to just let me have it, but I returned it to her, thinking I’d be home the next day. (When my flight was cancelled, I really wished I had kept it!)
We had a story time with a picture book. What a gift to be ministered to with a medium that I love so much! How often have I said that adults should be reading children’s fiction? And that they can teach us so much?!
The picture book was about a bunny. This felt like a gift just for me! I’m not sure if anyone else in that room had sat with a bunny and snuggled, but for me it is almost a sacred experience. To hold a bunny is to quiet your body and be silent, which is such a perfect picture of Spiritual Direction.
Walking the labyrinth in community. I’m not sure I can put words to this one, but it was a highlight of my time there. We all walked into the labyrinth unsure and thinking it was a little weird, but most people left in tears. There was something about everyone being on the same path, just different places, but with the same goal. And sometimes we would be close to the center and sometimes we would be farther from the center, even though we were further along the path. During some of the hard things these past few weeks, as I have battled old demons, I have thought of this image, telling myself that I am further along the path, but maybe just not so close to the center right now. I know that God is inviting me to deeper levels of healing and intimacy with Him.
Spending 8 hours in the airport with T. What could have been a long afternoon by myself was made much more pleasant with a new friend from Selah who was also waiting on her flight. We spent 8 hours getting to know each other and it really was a joy. I’m so thankful I could end my time by processing, debriefing, and just getting to know her!
Book Recommendation: Insignificant Events in the Life of a Cactus
Remember a couple weeks ago when I said I’d read two books recently and then immediately went out and bought them because they were so good? This is the second one of those two books. And not only did I love it so much that I wanted to keep it, my 12-year-old daughter read it and claimed it for herself. So I had to grab it out of her bookshelves even to snap this picture!
The book is Insignificant Events in the Life of a Cactus by Dusti Bowling and it is an incredibly sweet story (and exciting mystery!), told in the first person, of a girl with no arms. I cannot emphasize enough how sweet the story was or how helpful it was for me to read a book from the perspective of someone who is differently abled* (and I love that my daughter loved it as well!).
So if you are at all curious, buy this book and read it! (Or if you are like me, read this book and then buy it!) There is also a book two: Momentous Events in the Life of a Cactus, which I have not read yet, but my daughter read and loved.
From Amazon:
Aven Green loves to tell people that she lost her arms in an alligator wrestling match, or a wildfire in Tanzania, but the truth is she was born without them. And when her parents take a job running Stagecoach Pass, a rundown western theme park in Arizona, Aven moves with them across the country knowing that she’ll have to answer the question over and over again.
Her new life takes an unexpected turn when she bonds with Connor, a classmate who also feels isolated because of his own disability, and they discover a room at Stagecoach Pass that holds bigger secrets than Aven ever could have imagined. It’s hard to solve a mystery, help a friend, and face your worst fears. But Aven’s about to discover she can do it all . . . even without arms.
*I have decided to go with this term instead of “disabled” because in reading this book, I realized that the main character is very abled, but she just has to do things differently, and sometimes very creatively!
I just became an Amazon Associate, because I link to books so often on my blog! As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases, so if you want the book and to support me, use my links in this blog post. Thank you!! ❤️
Book Recommendation: Pentecost
The Apostles’ Creed for all God’s Children by Ben Myers is actually a book my husband found (he has a passion for liturgy) that I liked so much, I bought a copy for every family in my Children’s Ministry. We also used it as a supplemental curriculum last year, where every week I had each Sunday School class recite the Apostles’ Creed and then read a page of the book. That way, we were reciting the Creed 16 times total, reading through a new set of pages each week.
Whether you recite the Apostles’ Creed every week, occasionally, or never at all, I highly recommend this book. Whether you are a parent of young kids or have no kids at all, I highly recommend this book.
Each page breaks down one line of the Creed, displaying a beautiful illustration and explaining in simple terms what the line means. Since we are approaching Pentecost, I will quote below the page for “I Believe in the Holy Spirit”:
Is God far away?
Has Jesus left me all alone?
No! God is near—
very near!Jesus lives forever with God in the Holy Spirit.
He shares God’s life in a special way.
And Jesus sent the Holy Spirit to be with me.
Now I share God’s life too and live in God.Because of Jesus, I am in the Holy Spirit,
and so are all Jesus’ brothers and sisters.
God is my family and my home.
I will never be far away from God—never again!That’s what I believe.
Isn’t that beautiful and good to learn/remember at any age?
From Amazon:
What God's children believe. Join FatCat, the friendly feline, as he learns the traditional text of the Apostles' Creed―the earliest summary of the apostles' teaching. Through the Creed, children can encounter the God of the Bible who creates, redeems, and sanctifies. Enjoy vibrantly illustrated scenes of Jesus's life and search for FatCat on every page!
Young readers and families will read a line from the creed along with a simple reflection to tuck into their hearts. With a list of Scriptures for further learning and a family prayer, this FatCat book is perfect to read again and again.
In a fun and accessible way, believers can visualize, memorize, understand, and confess the Apostles' Creed, which has united all Christians for centuries.
I just became an Amazon Associate, because I link to books so often on my blog! As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases, so if you want the book and to support me, use my links in this blog post. Thank you!! ❤️
50 Precious Words
“Ahhh!” yelled David.
“You’re not my mom! You’re an imposter!”
“I am not an imposter!” David’s mom said, laughing. “I just changed my hairstyle!”
David was not convinced.
So his mom wrapped her arms around him.
“Oh, you are my mom,” said David, smiling.
Because nobody hugs like mom.
This is a story I wrote in 49 words for a writing contest called #50preciouswords. I did not win or receive any honorable mention, but I still think it’s sweet enough for a home here on my blog. Maybe I’m just biased because this is a true story, but I kinda liked mine the best. (Also, it’s a huge challenge to write a whole story in 50 words or under! The contest rules included that the story had to have a beginning, middle, end, and a plot.)
Book Recommendation: New Kid
I usually read books from the library or digitally from free library apps like Libby. If I like them, I recommend them here on my blog. But recently I liked two books so much that I ended up buying them after the fact. My kids have already read them and I plan on lending them out to others because they were that good!
The first of those two is today’s recommendation, a middle-grade graphic novel called New Kid by Jerry Craft.
As I said, both my children (ages 9 and 12) have already read this book and liked it a lot. It is funny and sweet for kids. But what I found helpful and appreciated about it as an adult was the way it illuminated the subtle racism and the microagressions that are in our everyday life. The main character, Jordan, is a black boy who is attending a new private school and is one of the few people of color attending. The story is about how he adjusts to being there and how he puts up with a lot of things that my kids and I would probably never even think about. Jordan spends the year making friends and learning to understand other people, even as they get to know him. The book just has a lot of heart and would be a good read for anyone.
From Amazon:
Seventh grader Jordan Banks loves nothing more than drawing cartoons about his life. But instead of sending him to the art school of his dreams, his parents enroll him in a prestigious private school known for its academics, where Jordan is one of the few kids of color in his entire grade.
As he makes the daily trip from his Washington Heights apartment to the upscale Riverdale Academy Day School, Jordan soon finds himself torn between two worlds—and not really fitting into either one. Can Jordan learn to navigate his new school culture while keeping his neighborhood friends and staying true to himself?
I just became an Amazon Associate, because I link to books so often on my blog! As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases, so if you want the book and to support me, use my links in this blog post. Thank you!! ❤️
Floral Abstracts
I’ve been enjoying designing these large floral abstracts! Not only are they so fun, but I find them quite challenging because there really are no rules or right answers. I have to just decide what I think looks good, and I could be totally wrong. They also work well on POD sites like my Society6 shop! See below for the latest three I have done, and some examples of them on some items.
Book Recommendation: Earth Day
In honor of Earth Day on April 22, I am recommending My Friend Earth by Patricia MacLachlan. This book is absolutely stunning and might be one of my favorites that I’ve looked through in a long time. It is very clever, with fun little cut-outs on the pages and the pictures are just lovely. This shouldn’t be surprising given its topic: our beautiful world! This book is not a “Christian” book, but I think as a Christian, I have a calling to care for and celebrate our beautiful planet! And that’s what this book is about.
From Amazon:
Perfect for Earth Day—and every day!—this spectacular picture book is a valentine to our wonderful planet from the Newbery Award–winning author of Sarah, Plain and Tall.
Our friend Earth does so many wonderful things! She tends to animals large and small. She pours down summer rain and autumn leaves. She sprinkles whisper-white snow and protects the tiny seeds waiting for spring.
Readers of all ages will pore over the pages of this children's book that is bursting with color and texture. Its enticing pages feature clever cut-outs, flaps, and curved contours that encourage exploration as its poetic text celebrates everything Earth does for us, all the while reminding us to be a good friend in return.
I just became an Amazon Associate, because I link to books so often on my blog! As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases, so if you want the book and to support me, use my links in this blog post. Thank you!! ❤️
Good Friday Testimony
I recently had the privilege of sharing part of my testimony at our church’s Good Friday service. If you know me, this was way out of my comfort zone! But that is all part of the testimony of God’s work in my life. I decided to share what I wrote/shared on here, as well, in case it encourages anyone else. (The service had testimonies that corresponded to the seven last words of Jesus. I was assigned “I thirst”.)
I thirst.
I’m going to start off by reading an excerpt from a blog post I wrote in August of 2021. I often use my blog to try to put into words things that I’m learning or wrestle with the things I’m thinking about, so I feel like this post is a good starting point for what I want to talk about tonight.
______
The fear is a mountain, a living mountain with arms that reach out to me.
I know that the mountain can shrink over time. But it’s not the mountain that goes anywhere. It’s a mountain. It doesn’t move. It doesn’t get smaller.
It’s just a matter of whether I stay in its shadow or not.
It’s a matter of whether I look at it or not.
It’s a matter of whether I give it space in my thoughts or not.
It’s a matter of me saying “God is good.” And then realizing if I really believe that, then fear can have no room in my heart.
It’s a matter of me saying “Do I trust God or not?”
If the answer is yes, then I can’t even look at that mountain. I can’t even glance that way. My only response is to stare into the face of Jesus and never look away.
The fear mountain is still there. It is a mountain of fear. A scary mountain with rampaging arms and gnashing teeth.
But it’s getting easier not to look at it.
I am walking and the mountain that used to loom above me, completely obstructing my path, seems smaller now.
It’s walking with Jesus in the helpless moments that gave me the way around it, and I am slowly making my way towards him, away from the mountain. The mountain never shrinks, it’s just easier not to look at it all the time because I have taken steps away from it.
_____
This journey from fear towards freedom started a few years earlier when I was talking to our pastor about possibly leading a small group. I told him no, I’m not a group person, I don’t feel comfortable speaking up in groups, I prefer one-on-one. I remember the moment very clearly, because he sat back in his chair and sort of pointed at me and said “You can be set free of that.” I think it took me by surprise and I may have even been a bit insulted! I was thinking this is just who I am! I don’t need to be set free of anything! I’m fine, I just don’t like groups, it’s OK to prefer one-on-one!
But I think he must have heard the fear in me that day and I just couldn’t see it. I didn’t even know how trapped in fear and old wounds I was and that God was offering me something better.
But since that day, I have heard God’s invitation with that sentence so many times.
Fear of speaking in groups? “You can be set free of that.”
Self-loathing and insecurities? “You can be set free of that.”
Anxiety over health problems? “You can be set free of that.
Fear for your children and their future? “You can be set free of that.”
Fear of speaking in front of people? “You can be set free of that.” (That one is a work in progress! They all are actually.)
My eyes have slowly and gently been opened to all the ways that I was trapped, and even paralyzed, with fear and I didn’t even know it.
I wish I could say how it works. I think about that a lot. When I hear that invitation to freedom from God, how does it work then to actually make it happen? And I really don’t know. All I know is that I have to say “OK, I want the freedom that you’re offering” and then it happens, God takes care of the rest. Sometimes it’s like I have to cling to that “OK”, but clinging to an OK to God is still way better than being trapped in my wounding and fear.
When Jesus was on the cross and said “I thirst”, he was offered only sour wine. When I echo the Psalmist and say “My soul thirsts for you, my body longs for you, in a dry and weary land where there is no water” he offers me all of himself. He died for me so my thirst would be quenched and that I would be set free.
My church on Easter morning
He was pierced for [my] transgressions,
he was crushed for [my] iniquity;
the punishment that brought me peace was on him,
and by his wounds [I am] healed.
The journey away from fear is the long game and I am not totally out of its grasp, probably in ways I still don’t even know about it yet. But I do know that I am a better friend, wife, and mother now that I’ve been set free of so many things and I know that I want to keep being set free for the rest of my life.
I thirst.
Book Recommendation: Shy Willow
For many reasons, Shy Willow by Cat Min felt like the right choice for me to recommend today. It is the story of a shy bunny who does something very brave for someone else. I immediately related to the bunny who only wanted to stay home in her cozy mailbox house! But when a letter fell into her lap asking for help, she knew she had to leave her comfortable home to deliver the letter. Not only is it a sweet story, but the pictures are just enchanting and I could spend a while just looking through each one at all the details. Also, we just love bunnies in this house. (See below for a picture of our own little Easter bunny!)
From Amazon:
Willow is shy. VERY shy.
Her home is in an abandoned mailbox, and she'd rather stay put. Outside kids scream and soccer balls collide, trees look like monsters, and rain is noisy in a scary kind of way. It's much nicer to stay inside, drawing. But then a young boy drops a letter in Willow's mailbox: it's a note to the moon asking for a special favor. Willow knows that if she doesn't brave the world outside, the letter will never be delivered, and the boy will be heartbroken. Should she try? Can she?
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Book Recommendation: Pi Day
I’m a little late with this recommendation for Pi Day (pi = 3.14), but file this one away for next March 14: A Pizza with Everything on It by Kyle Scheele and illustrated by Andy J. Pizza (I had to check out his website to find out if, indeed, he really went by the last name “Pizza”!).
My 9-year-old son absolutely loved this book, laughing all the way through it, and I’m pretty sure my 12-year-old cracked a smile as she pretended not to listen. This proves to me, once again, that the age ranges on picture books are meaningless (though Amazon says ages 3-7). This book is about a father and a son who add everything they can think of to the top of their pizza!
From Amazon:
It's a tale as old as time: a kid wants to make a pizza with his dad, but not just any pizza . . . he wants a pizza with everything on it. That's right, everything. But as the toppings pile on, this father-son duo accidentally create a pizza so delicious, so extravagant, so over-the-top, that it destroys the universe—and the cosmos go as dark as burnt crust. Will anyone enjoy pizza ever again?
I just became an Amazon Associate, because I link to books so often on my blog! As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases, so if you want the book and to support me, use my links in this blog post. Thank you!! ❤️
The Hospitality of Jesus
This was a painting that I had painted with houses representing my three words, which I then tried to recreate digitally as seen here. I think it represents the topic of the hospitality of Jesus pretty well.
Occasionally I write about my work as a Director of Children’s Ministry for our church, but I’m not sure if I’ve ever mentioned our unique worship space. My Christian church meets every week in a Jewish synagogue. And not only that, we have an entire hallway in the building that is just ours, including 3 classrooms, office space, and a sanctuary. The space is perfect for us in more ways than just because the space suits our needs so well: it has also done more for my faith and my understanding of God’s love for us than I ever could have imagined.
One morning, early in our time there, I asked one of the synagogue volunteers if they minded having us there and treating it like it was our building, too. I was quickly assured - completely sincerely - that they love having us there sharing the space with them. I was then offered a tour of their sanctuary, which I had never seen at that point, because they keep it locked. It is very sacred for them, and I was honored to be offered the chance.
We walked upstairs and she unlocked all the doors on the way. I felt the sacredness of the moment and the space. My children were with me, so I was a bit worried that they wouldn’t show the place its proper respect. But I needn’t have worried. As we were shown each beautiful stained glass window, depicting Old Testament scenes, my kids were quick to name every story. I could tell that their knowledge of the stories brought joy to my tour guide’s face.
As I walked around looking at the windows, and ultimately, the ark with the scrolls, I had a brief moment of sadness. I found myself wishing that I had something this precious and old and beautiful to call my own.
That’s when it hit me: this is my heritage and these are my stories, too, because I have been adopted into the family of God. (Remember the old Sunday School song “Father Abraham”?) And instead of pushing me away and declining me this, the people of this synagogue had welcomed me (us!) into their building and their most sacred spaces. And in doing so, they revealed to me more of God’s character and love of His people than I had ever understood before. He is truly the God of love and hospitality and adoption.
My church was welcomed into a Jewish synagogue to worship as Christians and isn’t that the perfect picture of what Jesus did for us? He broke the barriers between God and people and allowed us to enter in to God’s presence and be adopted into His family. My heart swells at the beauty of this and the enormous gift it has been to me, my faith, and my church!
And I am eternally grateful for this Jewish Congregation for teaching me about God, love, and the hospitality of Jesus.